


Different

by Tontr3



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Spencer Reid, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tontr3/pseuds/Tontr3
Summary: He thought the BAU would be different; that the hugs and smiles and unconditional love would maybe, for once, be directed toward him. But it wasn't. And honestly, who could blame them.Or me being angsty about the team refusing to help Reid with his drug addiction.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 132





	Different

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I have written so thank you for reading!  
> I don't own Criminal Minds (unfortunately)

He thought the BAU would be different; that the hugs and smiles and unconditional love would maybe, for once, be directed toward him. He should have known he didn’t deserve it. 

In public school, it had been more than easy to ignore his pain. No matter how hard the other students beat him or how tired and broken he became, nobody tried to help. Teachers would watch him limp by in the hall or turn up to school without food for the 4th or 5th day in a row. They would exchange glances when a student dumped their lunch in his lap or shoved him against the lockers but remained silent.

His intellect and social skills had alienated him. He was nothing, not even worthy of being treated like a normal human being. Never mind that he was 10 years old or was entirely, painfully alone. 

When his father left and his mother slipped farther away he understood. Why would they stay? He wasn’t worth the love and affection other children got. He was too much of a freak, too strange for that kind of care. 

But it hurt. It hurt so so much. Some days he would beg the universe to send him just one person that would love him. And then the kids tied him to a goal post and his mother had to be committed and no one came. Maybe he just wasn’t meant for that kind of care. Still a part of him held onto that hope. He would lay curled in his bed sometimes and run his hands through his hair, imagining it was a friend or a family member, hugging and comforting him.

The BAU was supposed to be different. For the first time ever, someone had seemed to genuinely care and worry about him. Gideon actually saw him, not just as a genius but as a person. He would listen to his rambles and encourage him to keep learning and growing. It wasn’t perfect but it was new and amazing.  
When he joined the BAU he was so hopeful that this could finally be the family he had been hoping, craving for and at first, it was. 

Morgan, who had seemed so similar to the kids from high school, was compassionate and protective instead of harsh and cruel. When he reached out to Reid about his nightmares, Reid hoped that maybe this would be it. Maybe he had finally found the kind of support he’d always dreamed of.

JJ let him take her to the Redskins game and Gideon played chess with him, Elle would laugh and encourage him and Hotch made sure he didn’t push himself too far. It was so nice and lovely and warm. And Reid had been so cold for so long.

And then Tobias happened. Afterwards Reid couldn’t shop shaking. His hands trembled both from fear and withdrawal. The team didn’t save him. He saved himself. He shot Tobias and then listened as he spoke of his mother.

He was so sorry.

The smell of fish followed him and the sound of Charles calling him a sinner. Reid couldn’t breathe. But the team, his new family, this time they would help him. They would pull him through. Unlike the teachers and students, his father and his mother, they would be there to help. He wasn’t so unbearably alone this time. 

But they didn’t. 

They didn’t help. They watched him fall apart. Watched him as he had flashbacks in the middle of cases and snuck off to the bathroom to get high. They looked at his shaking hands and dilated pupils and decided that caring would be too much effort. As long as his brain kept working and he could still contribute it didn’t matter if he didn’t sleep or couldn’t breathe. Reid didn’t matter. 

Later he recognized that maybe they hadn’t known how to help. That maybe the pain of his kidnapping and his subsequent addiction had been too much for them to know how to handle. But wasn’t that the whole problem? He was too much to handle? 

He begged for help on the arsonist case. Told them it would be almost impossible for him to stop without help. Made it as clear as he could because goddamnit he didn’t know how to ask for help. Not after everything. 

He was on his own. And maybe that was fair. He was the one that had gotten himself kidnapped and put JJ in danger. He chose to take the drugs from Tobias’s body. He was weak and this was his punishment. He hadn’t earned the unconditional love he craved more than anything. His team/family deserved better than to have this broken mess of a person on it. 

But he had to try. This was as close as he had ever gotten to a loving family. Maybe they hated him too but they had at least tried. At least, they pretended to like him. And maybe it was pathetic or pitiful but he wanted that, needed that kind of love in his life. He couldn’t be alone anymore although sometimes he felt more alone than he ever had.  
So he got better. He called off work and suffered withdrawals alone. He ran his hands through his hair and pretended it was his team, his family. He pictured Garcia bringing cookies and Morgan feeding him soup. Maybe JJ would read to him or Hotch would tell him that he was still valuable. Maybe Gideon would say he was proud that he was refusing to let his addiction consume him.

The BAU was supposed to be different but they weren’t. 

And honestly, who could blame them.


End file.
